an honest look at to-do's

I had a really important conversation with my husband tonight in the midst of much inner turmoil and confusion, and this blog post is a result of my final thoughts on the matter.  Long story short, life is throwing many challenges at me, causing a a great deal of distress.  And the (unhealthy) way that I deal with it all is to internalize it, take on more tasks, and take less time to relax and rejuvenate.  Sound like a recipe for disaster?  Why, it is!

There's a lot of guilt that goes along with wife/motherhood territory.  For me that entails guilt about tasks not being completed, guilt that I'm not spending enough time with my husband, guilt that I'm not spending enough time with Thomas...and some of the most difficult guilt for me is taking time for myself.  In that area, I'm a slow learner.  It's easy for me to say that I need to take some time, and it's even easier for me to advise others who are struggling in that regard.  But taking time for myself?  Ha!  That only means that the dirty dishes will still be piled high, we'll be running low on diapers due to my neglect, and our bedroom will remain the sea of paperwork and random-things-that-there's-no-room-for-in-the-apartment that it has been for months.  How in the world can I justify taking time for myself when there's all that (and so much more) to attend to?

Here's the justification. (Note: this is written for myself, not as some sort of lecture or homily on the matter to any of my blog readers).

This week I've been having emotional breakdowns; and while I realize that some of this is hormonally-driven due to my current pregnancy, I also know that all emotions are magnified due to the stress of upcoming life changes in our family.  And after some tactful honesty from my husband, I realized that it's easy for me to see the to-do list as an end rather than a means to an end.  As a mom, I have to be five steps ahead all the time - but I struggle to be able to also live in the present moment and relish in it because I'm so busy doing.  When I'm washing dishes, I'm thinking about finishing up that nursing cover; when I'm stuffing diapers, I'm thinking about getting a head start on dinner; you get the picture (and I'm guessing some of you moms are nodding your heads in agreement...at least I hope I'm not the only one who feels this way, oh, say, constantly?).

So that leads me to my point.  Because I have not yet developed the ability to bi-locate, I have not grown extra appendages enabling me to do more things at once, and I feel pushed into the ground even already with one toddler and one in the oven, I have to make an active change.  And for me that starts with giving myself permission to rest - encouraging myself to take some rejuvenation time (despite how many things are or are not crossed off on the list) and reminding myself that my whole family will benefit.  But they'll benefit in a much more important way than they will from having the carpets vacuumed or the toys in some semblance of order.  They'll see a relaxed mom who is able to be present to them, give of herself to them in a real way, and who desires to be with them more than she desires a spotless home or perfectly cooked dinner.  This is true "doing."  Doing what it takes to get my family and, God willing, myself to Heaven - and when it's my turn to leave this earthly life, I'm hopeful that our Lord is not taking into account any dirty dishes I may have left behind or the stove that hasn't been cleaned in months.  I'm not a betting woman, but that's a gamble I'm willing to take.