an honest look at to-do's

I had a really important conversation with my husband tonight in the midst of much inner turmoil and confusion, and this blog post is a result of my final thoughts on the matter.  Long story short, life is throwing many challenges at me, causing a a great deal of distress.  And the (unhealthy) way that I deal with it all is to internalize it, take on more tasks, and take less time to relax and rejuvenate.  Sound like a recipe for disaster?  Why, it is!

There's a lot of guilt that goes along with wife/motherhood territory.  For me that entails guilt about tasks not being completed, guilt that I'm not spending enough time with my husband, guilt that I'm not spending enough time with Thomas...and some of the most difficult guilt for me is taking time for myself.  In that area, I'm a slow learner.  It's easy for me to say that I need to take some time, and it's even easier for me to advise others who are struggling in that regard.  But taking time for myself?  Ha!  That only means that the dirty dishes will still be piled high, we'll be running low on diapers due to my neglect, and our bedroom will remain the sea of paperwork and random-things-that-there's-no-room-for-in-the-apartment that it has been for months.  How in the world can I justify taking time for myself when there's all that (and so much more) to attend to?

Here's the justification. (Note: this is written for myself, not as some sort of lecture or homily on the matter to any of my blog readers).

This week I've been having emotional breakdowns; and while I realize that some of this is hormonally-driven due to my current pregnancy, I also know that all emotions are magnified due to the stress of upcoming life changes in our family.  And after some tactful honesty from my husband, I realized that it's easy for me to see the to-do list as an end rather than a means to an end.  As a mom, I have to be five steps ahead all the time - but I struggle to be able to also live in the present moment and relish in it because I'm so busy doing.  When I'm washing dishes, I'm thinking about finishing up that nursing cover; when I'm stuffing diapers, I'm thinking about getting a head start on dinner; you get the picture (and I'm guessing some of you moms are nodding your heads in agreement...at least I hope I'm not the only one who feels this way, oh, say, constantly?).

So that leads me to my point.  Because I have not yet developed the ability to bi-locate, I have not grown extra appendages enabling me to do more things at once, and I feel pushed into the ground even already with one toddler and one in the oven, I have to make an active change.  And for me that starts with giving myself permission to rest - encouraging myself to take some rejuvenation time (despite how many things are or are not crossed off on the list) and reminding myself that my whole family will benefit.  But they'll benefit in a much more important way than they will from having the carpets vacuumed or the toys in some semblance of order.  They'll see a relaxed mom who is able to be present to them, give of herself to them in a real way, and who desires to be with them more than she desires a spotless home or perfectly cooked dinner.  This is true "doing."  Doing what it takes to get my family and, God willing, myself to Heaven - and when it's my turn to leave this earthly life, I'm hopeful that our Lord is not taking into account any dirty dishes I may have left behind or the stove that hasn't been cleaned in months.  I'm not a betting woman, but that's a gamble I'm willing to take.         

Why God Made Moms

The following was forwarded to me by a friend, and I found many of them quite endearing.  Enjoy!

Answers given by second grade school children to the following questions: 

Why did God make mothers? 
1.  She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is. 
2.  Mostly to clean the house. 
3.  To help us out of there when we were getting born. 

How did God make mothers? 
1.  He used dirt, just like for the rest of us. 
2.  Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring. 
3.  God made my mom just the same like he made me.  He just used bigger parts. 

What ingredients are mothers made of? 
1.  God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean. 
2.  They had to get their start from men's bones.  Then they mostly use string, I think. 

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom? 
1.  We're related. 
2.  God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's mom like me. 

What kind of a little girl was your mom? 
1.  My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff. 
2.  I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy. 
3.  They say she used to be nice. 

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him? 
1.  His last name. 
2.  She had to know his background.  Like is he a crook?  Does he get drunk on beer? 
3.  Does he make at least $800 a year?  Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores? 

Why did your mom marry your dad? 
1.  My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world.  And my mom eats a lot 
2.  She got too old to do anything else with him. 
3.  My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on. 

Who's the boss at your house? 
1.  Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball. 
2.  Mom.  You can tell by room inspection.  She sees the stuff under the bed. 
3.  I guess mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad. 

What's the difference between moms and dads? 
1.  Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work. 
2.  Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them. 
3.  Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friends. 
4.  Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your mom do in her spare time? 
1.  Mothers don't do spare time. 
2.  To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long. 

What would it take to make your mom perfect? 
1.  On the inside she's already perfect.  Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery. 
2.  Diet.  You know, her hair.  I'd diet, maybe blue. 

If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be? 
1.  She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean.  I'd get rid of that. 
2.  I'd make my mom smarter.  Then she would know it was my sister who did it not me. 
3.  I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head. 

taking time

I was talking with a friend at our Moms and Tots group this past week, and it really got me thinking...what a surprise.  These melancholic tendencies result in a lot of that!  But, I digress...

Angela was telling me about a book her mom is hoping to get for her, a book that stresses the importance (or, shall I say, dire need) for mothers to take time that is truly just for them.  And this isn't "mom time" spent alone at the grocery store or at the bank.  The book is talking about a true mini retreat of sorts - time for a mom to reflect, rejuvenate, and, dare I say it, relax!  And you know how often the book suggests?  Once a month - setting aside several hours, an afternoon, a full day...every 30 days.  A guaranteed 12 times per year that moms should take for the betterment of herself and ultimately for the benefit of her family.  Who's in?  I am!

When I think about putting this into practice, I instantly think about our already-packed family calendar.  How the heck am I going to find time to take a whole afternoon?  It would need to be on a weekend, and family time already comes at a premium around here it seems.  But we make time for these other things that we deem priorities...why shouldn't this hold the same weight?  And in my mind, this differs from simple time for myself.  This would be intentional, purposeful, and a means to an end - the end being self-care that is a gift to my family in the hopes that I would return home with an open heart and open mind regarding the vocation our Lord has chosen for me.  That sounds pretty important - so remind me again why it's not a priority?

"Well, we're busy as it is."  "I already don't get enough time to spend with my husband."  "I won't be able to do much that won't require my credit card."  "My husband works hard all week - I shouldn't be the only one who gets to relax on a weekend."  Oh the list goes on and on.

In the end, God (and my family) desire my well-being.  They desire my efforts at self-care, knowing that the nature of being a mother makes this all too rare.  They need me at my best since my job requires 24 hours per day of on-call time.  And they desire my holiness which, at least on my end, becomes further and further out of reach the more run-down I am.

And you know what?  I desire those things, too.  Looks like time away really should be a priority for more reasons than I thought! 

Sometimes You Just Need Some Perspective...

Here's part of an email from a dear friend...I wrote to her about some of my struggles as of late, and this really helped validate my feelings as well as use them for a greater purpose:

Just remember, these are very real things and it's ok to feel the way you, but you just have to invite God into it. Like for example, you said you feel like you do the same things day in and day out... YOU DO! And although it is natural to think it's lame, it's NOT. So, you need to invite God into it- thank Him for the things you have to do everyday, the things that seem small or insignificant or worthless. Praise Him for the fact that you can't see their value but He gives them to you anyway. It is hard to thank God in those moments, but if you do it life becomes more joyful. Also, tell Him that you hate feeling this way but there is nothing you can do about it- you are too weak to change it, but He is not. It's only when you admit that you are not strong enough to "do what you are supposed to" that you make room for Him to be in it. Praise God for the fact that you fail the expectation of people around you- He did that too, you know ;). Sometimes we want to say, well it doesn't matter, they are just other people, I don't need to be affected by them. But, really, that's a lie. We are affected by other people. It hurts when they look at us like we are failures or like we are crazy- so the only thing to do is say thank you Lord for letting me fail their expectations. It seems crazy (this is the Spirituality of Weakness by the way) but it really helps us to live more joyfully and more WITH God.

 

Being a mother is the hardest thing you will ever do (for a number of reason, which you know) and it is the most attacked thing in our culture, even if it is attacked subtly. It's the curse (Gen 3:16). The pangs of childbirth aren't just physical. It's much more spiritual. It's the pain a mother faces when someone doesn't want her to have the child. It the pain when a woman is so broken she herself doesn't want a child. It's the pain a mother feels when no one appreciates the gift of motherhood or recognizes that Vocation comes first. It's the pain of a mother who wants to conceive but can't. It's the pain of a mother who sacrifices for her child and is criticized for it. But Christ endured that very pain on the cross for us as he gave birth to the Church. And Mary endured that pain as she received the cross in her heart. They have redeemed it for us, all we have to do is admit we are not strong enough to bear it, and they will for us.

 

I'll let you pity yourself for a bit and then I help you praise God for all these failures you feel. Then I'll help you find joy in the little things! Which, by the way, is the best way to combat these depressed feelings and anxieties- do something child like. Color a picture. Jump on a bed. Play in the snow. Make a mess of paint. 

 

 

Thanks be to God for the gift of friendship and the gift of vocation!

Pity Party...Who Wants In?

I'm in a funk lately...plain and simple.  Ever have those?  Negative feelings that you just can't shake no matter how hard you try?  That's me right now.  And for the sake of getting out some of my melancholic musings, I'll give a list of potential reasons why:

1. I'm tired.  Why?  Because I'm a mom.
2. I don't feel incredibly supported in being a stay at home mom.  Finding "mom friends" has been more difficult than I anticipated, despite my continuous attempts.
3. I've come across several people recently who seem to think that being a mom is nothing more than going about  your day as normal with the exception of toting around a little person with you.  I wouldn't expect someone who doesn't have a family to understand exactly what family life is like, but I would hope that a person in a different life stage would, at minimum, respect people who have given their lives to their families.
4. Admittedly, I'm sick of hearing how busy everyone is - we're all busy!  Ever notice how people try to "outbusy" you?  It's as if someone with 15 commitments in a given day is "better" than someone who only sees a dozen things on his/her calendar. 
5. I haven't felt overwhelming support for our family regarding our decision to pursue grad school for Drake, even though it's something that we have prayed about for nearly a year now and take to prayer daily.  We feel strongly that this is the next step for our family and that it is one way that Drake can better serve our family.  It's hard to be hopeful when so many others don't seem to think it's a good idea.   
6. Sometimes I feel like I do the same things, day in and day out - and it's wearing on me.  Laundry is "done" for what feels like a solid 30 seconds before there is a mountain of clothes growing in our bedroom.  Meals are prepared with much attention to detail and in the time that I find between all that Thomas and the home require, but then the food is eaten, a compliment is given, and it's over until the next meal.  I would make a terrible chef or restaurant owner. 
7. In my experience, the good majority of activities to do out in the community with kids are geared toward toddlers and older.  Presently, I feel as though I have exhausted the things to do that are age appropriate for Thomas. 
8. Honestly, reason #1 is likely the most likely reason for the funk.

Sorry for a cranky, picture-less post.  It's just where I'm at right now.  Pray for me, eh?



St. Gianna, Pray for Us!

Lessons Learned: Being Fully Present

I've always been a planner.  I like to know when things are going to happen, how they are going to happen, etc.  But a lot of that changed when I was put on bed rest in my pregnancy with Thomas.  Knowing that everyday he was in the womb would serve him well in the world helped me to try to take one day at a time.  I had to for the sake of my own sanity!  And now that almost a year has gone by since his birth, I realize that this is a lesson I'm still learning daily.  The time truly flies by even though everyone warns you of that when the baby comes, and I've really tried to soak in each moment as much as possible.

While our family set-up lends itself to my being the primary 'calendar-keeper' and puts me more in charge of making plans, keeping track of appointments, birthdays, Church group commitments, and so forth, I'm much more open to what needs to happen in the unplanned present moment.  Being a mom really dictates that I be flexible, open to change, and able to adapt in a second's notice.  And praise God for this vocation that has helped me to grow in that regard!

Here's a photo of the little teacher himself...just for fun.

And wouldn't you know it!  As I was writing this post, our plans for the afternoon completely changed.  God is funny :).

Introspective

Sometimes I find myself worrying.  Worrying that Thomas might be behind developmentally for the first few years because of his early entry into the world.  Worrying that I'm not doing things right as a parent.  Worrying about the fact that decisions I make might affect Thomas negatively.  Parenting is an incredible gift and a terrifying adventure.  And of course I know that this isn't just "I."  It's Drake and I, but it's also the Heavenly Host and I...and being a parent has taught me to rely more fully on the angels and saints, particularly in times of difficulty, frustration, and confusion.

When Thomas was born, an occupational therapist did some tests and found that Thomas was actually right on track despite missing out on 6 weeks of womb time.  But in the same breath she mentioned that he might be behind for the first two years of his life.  Up to this point, I've felt that Thomas was pretty much on target...he's been hitting milestones as he should be.  But as he approaches 9 months of age, I'm worried that he's not crawling.  He pushes up on his arms with no problem, but he seems to drag his butt on the ground instead of lifting it in the air.  I also feel like he's sometimes quick to give up when he's frustrated or can't get to where he'd like to go.  It's really hard as a parent...hard not only to see my son struggle but also hard to know exactly how to help him in a way that will enable him to thrive versus depend on things to be done for him, such as my moving a toy closer so that he doesn't need to reach or scoot toward it.  It's also humbling to see some 6 month olds at the library crawling around.  Sometimes it doesn't seem fair because I, like every parent, want the best for my child.  We parents all want our children to be ahead of the curve or at least be keeping up.

I've talked to many parents who have said their children were late crawlers...not crawling until 9 or 10 months, and some not really even ever getting up onto their knees at all.  One friend has a husband in medical school who recently learned that babies are hard-wired to reach milestones at a certain time so there's not a lot that parents can do to encourage it to happen any earlier.  I take some consolation in that.  But it admittedly doesn't make it any easier.  I don't want to fall back on the "excuse" that he's a preemie, though that is the reality of the situation.  Gestationally, Thomas is 7 1/2 months old with his chronological age being nearly 9 months.  And I realize that he's still within the "normal" limits for crawling.  And you know, maybe I need to worry much less about what other people think and focus more on areas in which Thomas is excelling.  With that said, I'm going to list some of the many incredible things about my son:

• He is learning sign language really well - his face lights up when he sees signs for milk, eat, more, up, bath, all done, cereal, cracker, change, etc.  It's amazing to be able to communicate with him like this.
• He sits up beautifully and plays independently.  He's starting to be able to interact a lot more with Drake and I.
• This kid has the best belly laughs I've ever heard...it warms my heart to hear him crack up over silly things Drake and I do, not to mention the excitement that ensues over tickle time.
  
• He's been wanting to put the spoon in his mouth by himself, and he has excellent aim!  He's been loving all sorts of different foods and has a new love for graham crackers.
• He loves playing in his Jumperoo and Exersaucer.
• He does a great job locating sounds and is very curious and alert.
• He has an insanely cute reaction upon seeing a picture of himself...you have to see it to believe it.
• He is cooing and babbling all the time...and buzzing his lips is a new favorite activity.
• He's quite the little swimmer!
  
• He recognizes the first few words to some of his favorite songs, including Wheels on the Bus, Patty Cake, and Itsy Bitsy Spider.
• He easily transfers toys from one hand to the other and will even use both hands to support heavier toys.
  
• He's recently started giving kisses...I love it so much that I typically leave the sloppy spot on my cheek until it dries instead of wiping it off.
• His joyful personality is second to none.  

One of the biggest lessons I've learned as a parent is the importance of embracing the present moment and taking life one day at a time.  Time to relish in the now instead of worrying about the future.

39 Things Every Mom Should Know...

I came across this in Parent Magazine (my new favorite), and I found some of this advice to be not only funny but pretty practical as well. Thanks to author Kacy Faulconer!

1. You never have to go to the obnoxious kid-themed restaurants. Ever. I wish someone had told me that.

2. Don’t make birthday parties a huge deal.

3. Do your chores while the kids are awake. Using up naptime to wash dishes or clean the bathroom is truly soul-crushing.

4. Put Band-Aids on everything your kids want you to. Why not?

5. If the kids are awake, bit the bullet and be awake yourself. You’ll waste so many hours trying futilely to extend early morning snoozes that it’s not worth it. If you are sick, pregnant, or it’s the middle of the night, ignore this advice.

6. Just throw away the poopy underwear.

7. Don’t beat yourself up if you have to use a bribe.

8. Teach your kids not to pee outside unless you’re camping – you’ll be glad you did. But if other people’s kids do it, don’t judge the parents too harshly-it’s all about karma. (If you’re in the midst of potty training, all bets are off. You’ve gotta do what you’ve gotta do.)

9. Buy cheap shoes when kids are little. Feet grow faster than you think.

10. Don’t forget about board games. You’ll suffer through way too much Candy Land and Chutes and Ladders, but Connect Four and Battleship aren’t half bad. And Clue rocks.

11. Embrace their quirks.

12. Know this: That stain won’t come out. And it’s okay. (The sooner you accept this, the better.)

13. At some point it will be February. Things will seem bleak. You will think about vitamins, glasses, more exercise, more sleep, more chores, less TV, more rules, fewer rules, and organic food. Just wait. Things will get better when the snow melts. Know that it will happen again at the end of summer, right before school starts. It’s the circle of life, baby.
14. Always get boys’ haircuts at barber shops instead of hair salons.

15. Answer this question: What is the worst thing that can happen if your kids sleep in their clothes?

16. Never stifle a generous inclination.

17. Try to like what they like. It kind of sucks when it’s Bob the Builder, but the payoff will come when they discover Lemony Snicket.

18. Teach them to pump on the swings ASAP.

19. If your child falls asleep occasionally without brushing her teeth, don’t wake her; baby teeth do eventually fall out.

20. I know you are supposed to use natural consequences to punish bad behavior, but sometimes it’s hard to think of natural consequences. In these cases try threatening your kids with clipping their toenails or some other activity they dread. I’ve had great success with this one, but you must find your own.

21. Get used to the word zerrissenheit. It means a state of disjointedness, and it’s the new normal for most of us. At least you can feel fancy because it’s German.

22. Buy kids deodorant before they need it.

23. Teach your children to make their own breakfast – and allow enough time so they can do it without pressure.

24. I can’t stress this enough: use duvet covers on your comforters and forget about a top sheet. Not only will you thank me for this advice, but your kids will thank me as well when they are learning to make their bed.

25. Remember clogging lessons are not in the best interest of the child.

26. Don’t administer a punishment that hurts you more than it hurts them.

27. Always pack wipes. If your kids go somewhere without you, send along wipes. It’s like having a mom with them.

28. Do not allow the word wienies in your home.

29. Dress your little girls, well, like little girls.

30. Make sure your kids know how they like their eggs and burgers cooked. You don’t want them to feel stress when ordering dinner.

31. It’s fine to brag about yourself to your kids.

32. Buy quaint wooden toys and hand-knit stuffed animals, but don’t expect your kids to play with them.

33. Just say “no” to a toy or doll that comes with packets that have to be mixed with water.

34. Teach them to like cool music. Why suffer through The Wiggles when you could be enjoying Wilco or counting along with Feist?

35. Don’t buy the most expensive school-picture package. It’s a waste of money.

36. Give out awards for actual achievements.

37. You’re never too old to dress up and decorate your house for Halloween. And it’s more fun for everyone if you are into it. It also entitles you to more candy.

38. If the school year, new babysitter, or karate class gets off to a rocky start, don’t totally stress out about it. Instead, think of the improvement that can be made by the end of the year.

39. Independence is a wonderful thing. For everyone. So is together time. Make sure you have a healthy dose of both.